Changing my Blog

If you follow my blog, or even just read it once in a while, you should know that I have created a new blog, and will be deleting this blog soon. Here's my new one!

http://wherethereislovethereisfaith.weebly.com

Thanks for reading!

Happiness Is...

Today, I am happy because.....

1.) The sun is shining.
2.) My boys are healthy, happy children.
3.) Baby #3 is growing and healthy.
4.) My husband is getting compost for the garden today.
5.) I had time to pray this morning.
6.) My sister arrives tomorrow for the weekend.

Thank you, God, for these blessings and so many others that I did not mention. Amen

Scattered Thoughts

My oldest was up at 6:00am this morning coughing. Whenever that happens I'm always fearful that his coughing will then wake up his little brother, since they share a room. I heard him coughing on the monitor. Though I tried to go back to sleep, I could not, and never can when I know that one of the kids is awake. So, I lay there, praying that he could fall back asleep as I knew that he needed his rest. That didn't happen. He began calling for me and I dashed in there, not wanting his calls to wake up his brother. I have fed him breakfast and he is now back in bed, though I doubt he is sleeping, and I'm pretty sure little brother is now awake too.

I realize that a 6:00am wake-up time is normal for many people, including my husband, but it's not for me, and as a Mom, your job does not stop at 5:00pm, so, I'm trying to prepare for a long day ahead.

In less than 7 weeks, we will welcome our new baby. I'm excited, yet beginning to get scared. Knowing that surgery is lurking always makes me on edge. I have suffered from what may have been postpartum depression (though it was not diagnosed) with the boys, and they say that it can get worse with each child, which gives me another worry. My doctor said that there are things they can do to help me, but I really don't want to have to depend on medication to feel good. I've been on anti-anxiety drugs before, and it can really have an effect on who you are as a person. Finally, there is the ever-present question about whether or not baby #3 will have Duarte Galactosemia- the genetic disorder that Teddy has which made him have to be on soy formula. I know there is no point in worrying about that one- because the worst case is that the new baby will have to be on formula.

The most difficult part for me, as with so many things in my life, is having to let this go, an leave it up to God. I still struggle with that part, though not as much as I used to. I know that He will take care of us, and I have to trust in His will.

In thinking of that, I think of my cousin, who is going through chemo/radiation treatments for cancer. I worry about him, too, and I can't imagine what the treatments are doing to him. Many people in my family have had cancer, and I always ask myself the same question: How do they get through that? How do they wake up every day knowing that they are fighting for their life? (that may be a bit dramatic, but anyone who is going through chemo/radiation is fighting for their life, right?) The answer is, by the Grace of God. One day at a time, sometimes one hour or one minute at a time. And, by trusting in God and His will. So, I continue to pray for my cousin, and for all those with cancer.

3rd Trimester

The 2nd trimester of my pregnancy was pretty smooth. I had a lot of energy, was able to sleep well, and felt a bit like "Super Mom". I knew that the time would come, though, that the energy would fade, my sleep would diminish, and I would be reminded that "Super Mom" does not exist. That time is now.

The point that I'm at right now is a difficult one. I may sound like I'm complaining here, and I'm really not- just being honest and I'm reflecting on what other mothers have felt like. Right now, I'm not feeling like a good mother, or a very good wife for that matter. And, it's frustrating because my body isn't doing what I want it to do, and is no longer capable of functioning the way I want it to. Essentially, my body is not my own right now. Simple tasks like bending over and picking up my children's toys make me short of breath. Getting off of the couch takes time. When I'm trying to sleep, I can't get comfortable because my lower back hurts, and that whole body pillow idea does not work. And by 6:00pm, I'm exhausted and so very greatful that my amazing husband is usually home or at least on his way home. My iron has been low- causing fatigue, and even though I'm taking iron supplements, the fatigue is still there. And, I'm measuring big, which means I probably have a lot of extra fluid- a condition I had with Teddy which was not a real concern, just made me all the more uncomfortable for the last 2 months of my pregnancy.

I struggle to get up in the morning, and I haven't seen my feet in a couple of months. And, when I look in the mirror, I wonder how there is any way that I can get bigger, and I worry about how that will effect my energy. If it's this low now, how will it be then? My mind is a bit frazzled, and I am more forgetful, and even more indecisive than usual.

With all of this in mind, it's very easy to feel sorry for myself, because the sum-total of all of this is that I'm just not myself. I'm really not sure where I went. And, I have to remind myself that all of this is worth it. After all, there is a human being growing inside of me; a miracle a gift. So, when I need to sit down, I'm going to sit down. When I need to sleep, I'm going to try to sleep and forget about the laundry or the dishes in the sink.

Letting Go During Lent

When Lent began, I felt strongly that I wanted to work on focusing on the Lord, and what He wanted from me, and how best I can be the person that he made me to be. I had a strong feeling that through praying, including the Rosary every day (almost), I would be led on a path which would allow me to continue to grow closer to Jesus. Never did I know that I would find the answer in letting go. I hate to be vague, but that is about as specific as I can get right now. I've had to let go of a relationship that was having a negative effect on my faith, giving me very angry, almost hateful thoughts. I have no doubt that all of this came full circle during Lent for a reason, and I have gotten many signs that letting go was the best thing. I feel so much peace now, and I've had conversations with my priests about this, and gone to Reconciliation. And, of course, I prayed and spent a lot of quiet time with God. I am left with one thought that I read in The Little Black Book, which is our Lenten book.

"Lent is when I plunge in and try to experience who I am as a baptized follower of Christ, and to enjoy the exhilaration of clearing away things that come between me and God."

Our Lent

As I begin this post, I can think of about a dozen other things that I would rather write about than Lent. I can think of some complaints to get off my chest, some concerns that I have about people in my life, some hurts that I have been feeling. The truth is, there is always SOMETHING to think about, or should I say, to worry about, or get worked up about. Things that I can't let go of (not letting go of things is one of my crosses) are not what I'm going to focus on today.

It's Ash Wednesday, and I'm excited about that. For the first time in my life, I feel really open to allowing the Holy Spirit to work in me during this time. I also felt that it was important for our whole family to be involved in Lenten activities, as we are preparing for Jesus' resurrection, and reflecting on the sacrifice that He made for us. I want my children to know of this early on, because I want them to be able to look at a Crucifix and know what it's all about. Honestly, I'm still working on figuring out what it's all about. I do feel that I am closer to "getting it" now more than ever- grasping what Jesus went through and why.

So, here are the things that we are doing for Lent, keeping in mind the elements of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving.
1.) I made a Lent calendar for us, indicating all of the Holy Days. Each day of the week has been given a special intention of someone or something that we will pray for that day. Today, the boys will help me decorate this calendar.
2.) As part of fasting, we will abstain from eating meat on the designated days, and we will also, as a family, have "No TV Fridays". This is for ALL of us. Right now the boys (mainly Christian) watch some PBS shows in the morning and will watch a DVD from the library in the afternoon- something like Thomas the Tank Engine or Bob the Builder. For me, it will be difficult to explain that this is not a punishment for him, but a sacrifice that we are making.
3.) Each day, we will contribute to our Rice Bowl with pennies. I will have the boys count something in the house, and they will put that number of pennies in the bowl. For example, counting doors or windows. If there are 13 windows, then we will put 13 pennies in.
4.) 2-3 days a week we will take something out of our pantry and put it in to a box to be donated to our church's food pantry at the end of Lent.
5.) We have a stations of the cross book, and I would like to do the stations of the cross, preferably weekly, probably on Fridays.
6.) We will go to Mass on each of the Holy Days and on Sundays.
7.) I have made a "crown of thorns" out of salt dough. The kids will paint it today and put toothpicks in it. Every time the do a good day, they can pull a toothpick out. By the time Easter comes, the idea is to have all of the toothpicks replaced by flowers.

So, that's where we're at. For me personally, I'm going to say a Rosary each day, in addition to everything else. I will also incorporate more prayer in to my daily routine. My hope is that I will be able to really listen to what God is telling me, His message for me. I am hoping for some direction regarding certain decisions in my life, and I hope to get them, but, as with anything else, all in His time.

Aside from Lent, I am now almost 26 weeks pregnant. This journey has been very special and the Lord has blessed me with feeling well, so I'm enjoying that as much as possible and taking advantage of it to get things done and do a lot with the boys. I can't wait to meet this miracle, but I'm also in no rush, as I know that I will not get this time back.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Sometimes, going to Mass can be difficult. We regularly go to the 9a.m. Mass on Sundays. Getting everybody ready and out the door is challenging, and I find myself in a bit of a stress-mode. If we don't get there early enough, we end up sitting in the back of the church, which feels miles away from all of the action up front. If we get there too early, it means the kids have to sit for a longer period of time, which is not enjoyable for us or anyone around us. And so it's all about timing. Sometimes we get it right, and sometimes we don't. And while we are there, we spend a lot of time keeping the kids quiet, and lately, helping Christian to participate more in the Mass. So, with all of this in mind, you can see why it would be difficult for Chad and I to be able to listen to the readings and Homily. Today, I was able to hear a bit. Here's what I got: Use the time during this Lenten season to invite God into your decision making.

Wow.

That was pretty much it. Now, for some, that may seem like nothing. Of course I already knew this little piece of information. I invite God into my life all of the time. He is a constant presence. Yet, the message today really struck me. It was like Fr. was saying, "Hey, Nicole! This one's for you!" This was exactly what I have been needing to hear, and didn't know it until I heard it. In reflecting now, it seems that though I do invite God into my life all of the time, it is not very often that I invite him into my decision making process. Sure, I ask Him for guidance. I ask Him for strength. I praise Him and give Him thanks. Yet in the decision-making area, for some reason, I have not invited Him in as much- at least not lately.

I'm in the midst of trying to make a very important decision, as a parent (which decisions that you make as a parent are NOT important?) Though I don't feel that there is a "right" or "wrong" path to choose, there is certainly something stirring inside of me, which is causing me to think and feel things and question things that I never have before. And so God is trying to tell me something; what, I don't know. But I will invite Him in. As I sit here, I already have.