"Will you have more children?"

The last time I was pregnant during advent was when I was pregnant with Christian. At the time, which was 4 years ago, I didn't really practice Advent much. I participated in it at church, but we didn't do anything for it at home. This makes me sad because I really could have used that time to practice patience. After all, that is what Advent is about- patience and waiting for the coming of Jesus. At the time, I was out of patience, and did NOT want to wait on the baby any more. I was big, and uncomfortable, and just "wanted my body back" as I used to say.

I wonder what Mary felt when she was pregnant with Jesus? I wonder if she ever had those feelings of being uncomfortable and just wanting her body back? I'm pretty sure those thoughts never crossed her mind. But, I often wonder about Mary- what she felt as she was carrying Jesus. Was she emotional? Was she full of peace? Was she sad? How did she feel when she felt him kick for the first time? Was she ever impatient? Was it a struggle for her to wait for him? I would love to learn more about Mary.

This year, I've been struggling with patience in a different way. I'm feeling more at peace with it because I am taking the time out every day to celebrate advent. Before dinner, we light the advent candle, say a prayer, and keep the candle lit while eating dinner. There's something about that flickering flame that reminds me of Christ's light, and how it dwells within each of us, that gives me a sense of peace. Though I have more peace this time around, I struggle with having patience. Not with myself or with the little bean inside- but with other people. Here's why...

When people find out that we are having a 3rd child, somewhere in the conversation that follows, I am asked if this will be it. Will this be your last child? Are you going to try for more? Did you try for a girl? If you don't have a girl, will you try again? I have to be honest, I am guilty of asking people if they are going to have kids, or have more kids. Maybe I shouldn't do that...

The more that this has happened, the more I loose my patience. The answer I have is that I don't know. I don't know what God's plan is for us. I realize that people are just trying to make conversation, and I'm more than happy to answer their questions. After all, there are certain social "norms" that exist, and these days, having more than 2 children isn't all that "normal". And, if, as you read this, you realize that you asked me one of these questions- please don't feel bad. My lack of patience with this is MY struggle, and I need to figure out a way to let it go.

Yes, I realize that children cost money. I know that some people see children as a burden when they should be seen as a gift. But, my faith in God allows me to believe that He will provide. We are raising Christian children, as He has called us to do.
We have 2 beautiful boys, and yes, it would be nice to have a girl, but that may not be in God's plan. No, we were not "trying" for a girl. We were trying for a baby, and, to be honest, it took a while- testing my patience again. But again, it's all in God's plan...in God's timing.

So, as I reflect on this and read the words I have typed, I again think of Mary. I know that she faced scrutiny. I believe she probably felt some tension, perhaps felt nervous, or at times overwhelmed, which is what all mothers feel at one time or another. And I think of this...what if Jesus had been born at a different time? What if someone other than Mary had brought him in to this world? What if Joseph wasn't there to support Mary? God knew what He was doing. And God knows when to give us what we need- whether it's our first child, or our 5th child. Trust in that. I do.

"Trust-in His timing, rely-on His promises, wait-for His answers, believe-in His miracles, rejoice-in His goodness, relax-in His presence."

I Want

I want. I want. I want.

I've been hearing these two words come out of my mouth a lot lately. I want new kitchen cabinets. I want a new winter coat. I want new shoes. I want time to myself. I want a nap. I want a bigger kitchen. I want the walls painted a different color. I want politicians to stop fighting like little children.

I want. I want. I want.

Why do I do this? Why do these words come out of my mouth? Why do I even think them as often as I do? Is it because lately, family members have been asking me what I want for Christmas? Could be. Not that it's their fault that I am in this mindset- it's not. It's me.

I see the material things that other people have, and yes, sometimes, I wish I had them. Sometimes I think that if I had a bigger kitchen or new shoes, that life would be easier...better. Yet, I know that not to be true. I know that in my heart, yet sometimes, something creeps in to my mind and allows me to think otherwise. The devil? Perhaps.

With Thanksgiving approaching, though, this sounds cliche, I know I have a lot to be thankful for. My children are healthy. My husband is a wonderful husband and father. I have a nice home to live in. My parents are healthy. I have wonderful friends. I even have a cute little miniature schnauzer that I adore. I also have God in my life, which is such a blessing, and Jesus is someone that I can turn to as a friend.

So, knowing all of this, why do I struggle? How can I stop struggling with this "I want" mentality?

I'm going to use this Advent season as a time of reflection and prayer, in order to prepare for the birth of Jesus, and in order to grow closer to Him.

My boys are growing up. Teddy will be 2 years old on Sunday. Christian will be 4 on Christmas Day. How is that possible? I've been looking at pictures of the boys when they were babies, and it is just incredible how much we, as humans, learn and grow and change within the first few years of life. It's so dramatic to me. I feel the weight of the responsibility of being their mother. Sometimes it's scary, but more often than not, I feel that it is such an honor that the Lord has shared these beautiful gifts with Chad and I. I know that they are not mine. They are God's. And it is incredible to me that the has entrusted me, and Chad, with these two amazing people. They are people, unique individuals, who, God willing, will grow up and do amazing things. I know that this post seems to be a bit "gushy", but some days, it just blows my mind- this role that I have, as the mother of Christian and Teddy.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward."
Psalm 127:3