"Will you have more children?"

The last time I was pregnant during advent was when I was pregnant with Christian. At the time, which was 4 years ago, I didn't really practice Advent much. I participated in it at church, but we didn't do anything for it at home. This makes me sad because I really could have used that time to practice patience. After all, that is what Advent is about- patience and waiting for the coming of Jesus. At the time, I was out of patience, and did NOT want to wait on the baby any more. I was big, and uncomfortable, and just "wanted my body back" as I used to say.

I wonder what Mary felt when she was pregnant with Jesus? I wonder if she ever had those feelings of being uncomfortable and just wanting her body back? I'm pretty sure those thoughts never crossed her mind. But, I often wonder about Mary- what she felt as she was carrying Jesus. Was she emotional? Was she full of peace? Was she sad? How did she feel when she felt him kick for the first time? Was she ever impatient? Was it a struggle for her to wait for him? I would love to learn more about Mary.

This year, I've been struggling with patience in a different way. I'm feeling more at peace with it because I am taking the time out every day to celebrate advent. Before dinner, we light the advent candle, say a prayer, and keep the candle lit while eating dinner. There's something about that flickering flame that reminds me of Christ's light, and how it dwells within each of us, that gives me a sense of peace. Though I have more peace this time around, I struggle with having patience. Not with myself or with the little bean inside- but with other people. Here's why...

When people find out that we are having a 3rd child, somewhere in the conversation that follows, I am asked if this will be it. Will this be your last child? Are you going to try for more? Did you try for a girl? If you don't have a girl, will you try again? I have to be honest, I am guilty of asking people if they are going to have kids, or have more kids. Maybe I shouldn't do that...

The more that this has happened, the more I loose my patience. The answer I have is that I don't know. I don't know what God's plan is for us. I realize that people are just trying to make conversation, and I'm more than happy to answer their questions. After all, there are certain social "norms" that exist, and these days, having more than 2 children isn't all that "normal". And, if, as you read this, you realize that you asked me one of these questions- please don't feel bad. My lack of patience with this is MY struggle, and I need to figure out a way to let it go.

Yes, I realize that children cost money. I know that some people see children as a burden when they should be seen as a gift. But, my faith in God allows me to believe that He will provide. We are raising Christian children, as He has called us to do.
We have 2 beautiful boys, and yes, it would be nice to have a girl, but that may not be in God's plan. No, we were not "trying" for a girl. We were trying for a baby, and, to be honest, it took a while- testing my patience again. But again, it's all in God's plan...in God's timing.

So, as I reflect on this and read the words I have typed, I again think of Mary. I know that she faced scrutiny. I believe she probably felt some tension, perhaps felt nervous, or at times overwhelmed, which is what all mothers feel at one time or another. And I think of this...what if Jesus had been born at a different time? What if someone other than Mary had brought him in to this world? What if Joseph wasn't there to support Mary? God knew what He was doing. And God knows when to give us what we need- whether it's our first child, or our 5th child. Trust in that. I do.

"Trust-in His timing, rely-on His promises, wait-for His answers, believe-in His miracles, rejoice-in His goodness, relax-in His presence."