Scattered Thoughts

My oldest was up at 6:00am this morning coughing. Whenever that happens I'm always fearful that his coughing will then wake up his little brother, since they share a room. I heard him coughing on the monitor. Though I tried to go back to sleep, I could not, and never can when I know that one of the kids is awake. So, I lay there, praying that he could fall back asleep as I knew that he needed his rest. That didn't happen. He began calling for me and I dashed in there, not wanting his calls to wake up his brother. I have fed him breakfast and he is now back in bed, though I doubt he is sleeping, and I'm pretty sure little brother is now awake too.

I realize that a 6:00am wake-up time is normal for many people, including my husband, but it's not for me, and as a Mom, your job does not stop at 5:00pm, so, I'm trying to prepare for a long day ahead.

In less than 7 weeks, we will welcome our new baby. I'm excited, yet beginning to get scared. Knowing that surgery is lurking always makes me on edge. I have suffered from what may have been postpartum depression (though it was not diagnosed) with the boys, and they say that it can get worse with each child, which gives me another worry. My doctor said that there are things they can do to help me, but I really don't want to have to depend on medication to feel good. I've been on anti-anxiety drugs before, and it can really have an effect on who you are as a person. Finally, there is the ever-present question about whether or not baby #3 will have Duarte Galactosemia- the genetic disorder that Teddy has which made him have to be on soy formula. I know there is no point in worrying about that one- because the worst case is that the new baby will have to be on formula.

The most difficult part for me, as with so many things in my life, is having to let this go, an leave it up to God. I still struggle with that part, though not as much as I used to. I know that He will take care of us, and I have to trust in His will.

In thinking of that, I think of my cousin, who is going through chemo/radiation treatments for cancer. I worry about him, too, and I can't imagine what the treatments are doing to him. Many people in my family have had cancer, and I always ask myself the same question: How do they get through that? How do they wake up every day knowing that they are fighting for their life? (that may be a bit dramatic, but anyone who is going through chemo/radiation is fighting for their life, right?) The answer is, by the Grace of God. One day at a time, sometimes one hour or one minute at a time. And, by trusting in God and His will. So, I continue to pray for my cousin, and for all those with cancer.

3rd Trimester

The 2nd trimester of my pregnancy was pretty smooth. I had a lot of energy, was able to sleep well, and felt a bit like "Super Mom". I knew that the time would come, though, that the energy would fade, my sleep would diminish, and I would be reminded that "Super Mom" does not exist. That time is now.

The point that I'm at right now is a difficult one. I may sound like I'm complaining here, and I'm really not- just being honest and I'm reflecting on what other mothers have felt like. Right now, I'm not feeling like a good mother, or a very good wife for that matter. And, it's frustrating because my body isn't doing what I want it to do, and is no longer capable of functioning the way I want it to. Essentially, my body is not my own right now. Simple tasks like bending over and picking up my children's toys make me short of breath. Getting off of the couch takes time. When I'm trying to sleep, I can't get comfortable because my lower back hurts, and that whole body pillow idea does not work. And by 6:00pm, I'm exhausted and so very greatful that my amazing husband is usually home or at least on his way home. My iron has been low- causing fatigue, and even though I'm taking iron supplements, the fatigue is still there. And, I'm measuring big, which means I probably have a lot of extra fluid- a condition I had with Teddy which was not a real concern, just made me all the more uncomfortable for the last 2 months of my pregnancy.

I struggle to get up in the morning, and I haven't seen my feet in a couple of months. And, when I look in the mirror, I wonder how there is any way that I can get bigger, and I worry about how that will effect my energy. If it's this low now, how will it be then? My mind is a bit frazzled, and I am more forgetful, and even more indecisive than usual.

With all of this in mind, it's very easy to feel sorry for myself, because the sum-total of all of this is that I'm just not myself. I'm really not sure where I went. And, I have to remind myself that all of this is worth it. After all, there is a human being growing inside of me; a miracle a gift. So, when I need to sit down, I'm going to sit down. When I need to sleep, I'm going to try to sleep and forget about the laundry or the dishes in the sink.