Waiting

So, it's been a couple of weeks since I have posted anything. I'm not sure where my mind has been- obviously not on this blog. These past 2 months, I've been wanting something that has not come in to my life yet. So, I'm waiting. I'm not going to mention what this "thing" is because that's not what this post is about. It's about waiting.

Chad and I have become a marriage sponsor couple through our church. What that means is that we meet with an engaged couple at least 5 times and work through a workbook with them, which covers everything from family traditions, to discussions on each others childhood, to finances. This has been a blessing for us because we have to complete the workbook as well, and discuss our answers. I love the couple that we are working with because the woman is much like me, and the man is much like Chad- only where we were about 6 years ago. It's amazing how far we've come.

As a part of this ministry, we also have a book to read, together as a couple, that discusses what marriage really is and what people often THINK it is. As I've been reading it, I find myself nodding my head in agreement with so much of it. Last night I read about waiting. I read about how in this day and age, people want instant gratification, mainly because there are so many technologies out there that allow for that. I want what I want when I want it. That's basically the mentality of so many of us today, and I'll be the first to admit that being patient is not my strong suit. I've gotten better at it, since we've had the boys. I find myself not being patient with adults, and not being patient with myself. I find myself not wanting to wait for God to act. I think to myself, "Okay God, I'm going to pray for this, and then you will give me what I want, got it?" Oh yeah, it doesn't work that way.

Waiting sucks. I struggle with it so much. I can wait in line at the bank, no problem. I can wait in traffic, and often let others go in front of me, no problem. I can wait in line at the grocery store, even with 2 screaming children, no problem. But when it comes to answers from God, I'm just not good at it. "Come on God, the clock is ticking!" Again, it doesn't work that way. God doesn't have a clock- just a plan. A plan for me- a plan for us all. And it's hard for me to wait and see what that plan is. I tell myself that in the mean time, I need to wait. I need to find His grace in this struggle of waiting. I know that. At times, I do see His grace. Other times, I want to scream at Him and say, "Alright already!!!"

So, that's where I'm at right now.

Blue Dress

I wore a dress to church today. Nothing fancy, just a simple blue dress that I got a Target a while back. It's hot, and I wanted to feel comfortable and look nice too. Right now, whether or not church is good depends on how well the kids behave. It's sad to say, but true. If they are not too antsy, then I can hear more of what the priest is saying and participate more. If they are noisy, well, you can imagine what that's like. But, we go together as a family because it's important to us, and even though some days we're not "getting a lot out of it", it's a good thing, because it helps them become familiar with going to church and how to behave in church.

Okay, back to my dress. I was feeling pretty good wearing it. I made sure that I sat correctly, and every time I stood up I made sure that the back of my dress went down (one of my worse fears is showing people my undergarments while wearing a dress because it gets tucked in somewhere!). So, it was all good. Then, we went to coffee and doughnuts afterward. Again, feeling good. Until, while walking over to grab a cup of coffee, I ran into one of my friends, who was chatting with a couple of other ladies. We have each other a half hug, said hello, and started small chit-chat. While this was going on, I noticed not one, but 2 of the women she was talking to had given me the "up and down" glance. You know how women do- they look at your face, scan your body down to your shoes, and look up again, hoping that the person they are looking at has not noticed and hoping to not make eye contact. I know this because I have done it myself, but not in a long time. I quit doing that after I graduated college.

My first thoughts were that maybe my dress was tucked in somewhere. Maybe they were looking at my chest because, yes, said blue dress is a summer dress and cuts down in a "v" though, I was wearing a white camisole underneath. Maybe they thought my dress required a slip (who wears those anymore???) The thing is that I grew very self conscious, and had to make up an excuse to stop talking to my friend. For some reason, though I was totally clothed, I felt completely exposed! What the heck is wrong with me? I mean, so what if those women were "checking me out"? What did I care?

The fact that I'm still bothered by this and writing about it means that I do care, no matter how much I tell myself I don't. So, 2 thoughts come to mind: 1.) I love our church, I love the people there, yet sometimes, I get that "you don't belong" feeling. That whole, "keep up with the Jones'" feeling. It's not words, just feelings and people's behavior that gets me going on that. 2.) This could have happened anywhere. 3.) (Okay, there are 3 thoughts) They could have been thinking something else. They could have been thinking how great I look in the blue dress. They could have been wondering where I got it so that they could go out and buy one just like it.

Yeah, for my sanity, I'm going with #3.