I did it

(Before reading, be aware that these are my inter most thoughts. My goal is not to offend anyone. This is just for me to reflect on where my life is right now.)


Last Saturday morning, I did it. I did something that I have been fearful of doing for a long time. I don't know where the fear came from, but it was there. I felt the fear in my mind, a brick wall that I would run in to every now and again. I would will it to go away by telling myself to get over it, let the fear leave me, and move on. I couldn't move on. So, last Saturday morning, I did it, and now the fear is gone, and is replaced with peace.

What did I do? Well, I prayed. Yes, I pray all of the time. This was different. I stood in a prayerful vigil outside of a Planned Parenthood in Indianapolis. Well, actually I knelt about half of the time, and stood the other half. For years, I never knew how I felt about abortion. I had so many mixed feelings about it, and so when I thought about it, I would go over it a bit in my mind, and then just push it aside. (Who wants to think about that anyway, right? And besides, there's nothing I can do about it. I don't make the laws. And, who am I to tell anyone what to do with their body, right?)

Over the course of the last 2 years, this issue has come up more in my life. Not because I myself or anyone I know has considered having an abortion, but because as I have grown in to my faith, I've had to take a hard look at where I stand on this. I know what the Catholic church teaches. Still, I just didn't know.

I've prayed about it over and over, and I felt nudged to go to Planned Parenthood and stand outside and pray. I ignored the nudge, for a long time, again, willing it to go away. But it didn't. Finally, after seeing the video of an abortion survivor speak on a youtube video, the nudge became a push that I could no longer ignore.

I knew this was the perfect time to go, because the 40 Days for Life Movement is taking place right now (http://www.40daysforlife.com/index.cfm)
I knew I wouldn't be out there alone. There would be others. And, my friend and sister in Christ, Tiffany, invited me to go along with her.

We started by saying a Rosary, facing the building. As I did so, tears began to well up in my eyes at the thought of what was going on inside. I finally got it. For so long, I didn't want to say that abortion was wrong because that is what my faith tells me to believe. I wanted to say that abortion is wrong because that REALLY is what I believe. I got it. I believe it. I KNOW it.

As we then stood next to the road we were able to see some young women pull in to the parking lot. They all zoomed past us, looking down, in shame, did not acknowledge us. I know that other services are provided at Planned Parenthood, so I can't say for sure what those women were doing there. Still- we prayed for them. We prayed for hope. We prayed for God's mercy. We prayed for life.

Change

I know that I want to write something today. Yet, I sit here, and stare at this computer and type these words, and not much is coming to mind. I hear the clock ticking on the wall. I hear Christian talking in his room. I hear the hum of the washing machine in the basement. Outside, I see the gray skies. The branches on our tree out front are waving at me, like a welcoming friend who you haven't seen in a while.

That's how I feel when I think of fall. I often think of fall as a friend, a warm blanket, something that is so familiar because I have never known a life without fall. Yet, sometimes it can feel unwelcoming. It's a sign of change, and change is can be tough. My life is changing. It's always changing. Sometimes the change is slow and gradual, other times it's immediate and hits me like a freight train. My boys are growing up so quickly. Everyone I know who has children who are older say to me, "enjoy this time, it goes so fast." They're right. It was 4 years ago that I was pregnant with Christian, scared out of my mind, yet excited beyond belief, not knowing that he would come in to this world on Christmas Day. 2 years ago, I was very pregnant with Teddy, scared again, and excited. I watch them and I am reminded of change.

Our dog Murphy is 7. He was just 7 weeks old when we got him. He would follow me around and was always under foot, thus resulting on me stepping on him. He would always nip at my socks, though never chewed on furniture. Now he sleeps most of the time, and has no interest in socks.

I like change, and I do try to embrace it because I have no control over it. Yet sometimes, I wish I could hit the pause button, and just stop and drink it all in. Maybe that's what I'm doing now? Maybe that's what we do when we look around, pay attention to our surroundings, listen to the quiet, and breathe? Maybe that's the pause button. I can't stop time. But maybe I can take the time more often to take a closer look at my life, and hold on to what's around me, if even for just a moment.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—

time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.

time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.

time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.

time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.

time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.

time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.

time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

WWJD

What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do?

I've been asking myself that question a lot lately. As I've gotten older, and as I've grown in to my faith, this question immediately pops in to my head. It's at the point where I don't even think about it now. It's more of a subconscious thing. I'm so proud of myself for this. I don't mean that to be prideful. I guess I'm just finally getting to a place in my life where I really make an effort to be like Jesus. To be kind, to be humble, to be forgiving. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with all of these things. It's difficult to be kind all of the time. It's difficult to forgive and let go. It's difficult to be humble and let others help me and show me the way. That one is especially difficult for me (did someone say control freak?)

I have noticed something else: I'm seeing Jesus through other people a lot lately. This could be because I am looking for it. It could be because I am open to it. It could be because I allow others to be Jesus to me. I'm finding that these two things- asking myself what Jesus would do and recognizing Jesus in others, makes me full of joy and love and peace. Through these two actions, Jesus is teaching me. And I love to learn!

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you" Matthew 6:33