Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Sometimes, going to Mass can be difficult. We regularly go to the 9a.m. Mass on Sundays. Getting everybody ready and out the door is challenging, and I find myself in a bit of a stress-mode. If we don't get there early enough, we end up sitting in the back of the church, which feels miles away from all of the action up front. If we get there too early, it means the kids have to sit for a longer period of time, which is not enjoyable for us or anyone around us. And so it's all about timing. Sometimes we get it right, and sometimes we don't. And while we are there, we spend a lot of time keeping the kids quiet, and lately, helping Christian to participate more in the Mass. So, with all of this in mind, you can see why it would be difficult for Chad and I to be able to listen to the readings and Homily. Today, I was able to hear a bit. Here's what I got: Use the time during this Lenten season to invite God into your decision making.

Wow.

That was pretty much it. Now, for some, that may seem like nothing. Of course I already knew this little piece of information. I invite God into my life all of the time. He is a constant presence. Yet, the message today really struck me. It was like Fr. was saying, "Hey, Nicole! This one's for you!" This was exactly what I have been needing to hear, and didn't know it until I heard it. In reflecting now, it seems that though I do invite God into my life all of the time, it is not very often that I invite him into my decision making process. Sure, I ask Him for guidance. I ask Him for strength. I praise Him and give Him thanks. Yet in the decision-making area, for some reason, I have not invited Him in as much- at least not lately.

I'm in the midst of trying to make a very important decision, as a parent (which decisions that you make as a parent are NOT important?) Though I don't feel that there is a "right" or "wrong" path to choose, there is certainly something stirring inside of me, which is causing me to think and feel things and question things that I never have before. And so God is trying to tell me something; what, I don't know. But I will invite Him in. As I sit here, I already have.

Stop and Smell the Roses

Chad gave me roses for Valentine's Day. Red roses. They are my favorite flower. I guess I'm traditional that way. There is something about their velvety texture and the way the petals layer within each other that make me smile. Each petal is nestled in together- one layer on top of the next. And when they open up, you can see that you have been deceived by the rose, as it is much larger, with many more layers, than you had expected. I love surprises like that.

I placed my dozen red roses in a vase near the front door. My thought was that this would be the best place for all to enjoy them, as we pass by this area many times during the day because the staircase to our second floor is near the front door. Christian decided to place a small amount of water into the already-filled vase the other day, and ever since then, every time he walks by them, he checks them. "Look at the beautiful roses!" he says. "Look how they've grown!" If I'm in the other room, he will come and get me so that I, too can admire these cut roses that have "grown" in a matter of hours, or sometimes minutes. He will then stop and sniff them, placing one rose directly in front of his nose and taking a deep breath, inhaling their fragrance. "Ahhhh.." he says.

It occurred to me today, that, if it were not for him, I would not stop and smell these roses. I would not take the time to stop and admire their beauty. Of course I appreciate them, and when I look at them, they make me smile. But I would not take in the experience of the rose. I would not stop and smell them, touch their delicate petals, and enjoy them if it weren't for Christian. That is what my children do for me. They make me stop and smell the roses.

It is my hope that my son does not ever lose this. This, appreciation for beautiful things, that are so simple, yet so amazing and miraculous in nature. Even when I try to hurry him along through our chores, and bedtime routine, I need to remember that I need to enjoy our time together, even through the mundane tasks of every day life, like brushing his teeth. After all, he is much like those roses. Aren't we all?

Corporal Punishment: To Spank or Not to Spank

Okay, I realize that I'm broaching a touchy subject here: spanking. But I just have to blog about this, and my intention is not to offend anyone. The purpose in me writing about it here is because I wish to share what I have learned, and to talk about my struggles with this type of punishment. I do not pass judgment on any parent who has or has not spanked, because, I do believe it is a personal choice. I can only discuss my choices, good, bad, or otherwise, and how I have learned from them, and what I hope to do differently.

I was spanked as a child, and I feel that I "turned out alright" as is the saying. I don't feel scarred by my experience and I don't judge my parents for their decision to spank. When I had my own children, however, I felt very differently about the matter. In my heart, I knew that this would not be right for our family, yet I could not put my finger on why.
I have spanked my oldest child, but only a handful of times. The first time I did it my heart broke, and I realized that it was more out of my anger than because of something he had done. So, I told myself never to spank out of anger, and I can honestly say that I have not since. In my child's case, every time I have spanked him, it has been counterproductive. More tears shed, more hard feelings on both sides were expressed, and again, I just knew this wasn't right for us.

I'm reading a book called "Parenting with Grace: Catholic Parents Guide to Raising Almost Perfect Kids". It's written by Gregory K. Popcak and Lisa Popcak, and has a preface in it by Father Val Peter, the founder of Boystown. I have to say that after reading it, I feel a bit guilty about some of the choices that I have made as a parent. For example, we have not done co-sleeping with our boys, which is something that the authors are highly in favor of. I have not practiced attachment parenting with my boys, and both are something that I still have mixed feelings about. Throughout the book, spanking is mentioned here and there, and is not looked highly upon, though I wasn't sure why. Today I searched through the book and found an interesting article in the appendix, which is titled, "Ten reasons I can't spank: A Catholic Counselor's Critical Examination of Corporal Punishment", by Greg Popcak, MSW, LCSW. This was an article he wrote for a journal and now appears in this book. Though I will not share with you the specifics of each item listed, because you can read the book, I will create the list of 10 here:
1.) Jesus' own example was discipline, NOT punishment
2.) Scripture does not support spanking
3.) The Universal Church does not model corporal punishment
4.) Spanking flies in the face of good science
5.) Spanking is violence
6.) Spanking as sin or occasion of sin
7.) God's justice is subject to His love
8.) Spanking does not respect the gift of will
9.) Spanking conflicts with the Church's teaching of the "age of reason"
10.) Catholic luminaries in child-rearing oppose spanking

Again, for a more in depth explanation of each, you will have to read the article. Some do require more explanation, while others sort of speak for themselves. What I found to be most interesting was number 9. I did not know that the "age of reason" as defined by the church is the age of 7, and most children who are spanked are under this age of reason. The book states, "A child cannot sin until he can fully grasp the meaning of his actions. In the wisdom of the Church, this requires "full knowledge of an participation in a sinful act.""In other words, why are we punishing our children through corporal punishment, when, in the eyes of the Church, they are not capable of sinning until after this age of reason?

I have had many conversations with parents about where they stand on this issue, and the truth is, I'm still conflicted. This book has many interesting facts about what the research says about spanking, as well as what Pope John Paul II has said about love and corporal punishment. I can honestly say that if my child ran into the street, I'm not sure if I would spank them or not, as this is such a serious matter and my child's safety has to be considered, and I think spanking may be the best way to allow them to realize that this is just something that they cannot do.

However, I will take all of this in and reflect on it, and even re-read it, as I know in my heart that spanking is not for us, and that I must search for more logical consequences. Again, I'm not judging anyone who has spanked or continues to spank, I'm just passing along some meaningful information that I have read and learned from, and will continue to pray about.

Fearless

What are you afraid of?
I'm afraid of death. That's difficult to admit, because I am a follower of Christ, and I do believe in God and Heaven. At times I often feel that I'm not supposed to be afraid of death. After all, if I REALLY am a believer, shouldn't I be fearless regarding my own death? Shouldn't I be comforted knowing that I will go to a better place? Yet, I am afraid. I'm afraid because that is the ultimate form of being alone. No one can go through death with you. It's a transition you have to complete alone, though, you're not really alone. Jesus is with you. I know that in my heart, yet, I'm still fearful.

I know that is so morbid, but it is something that passes through my mind from time to time, and it's on my mind now.

I'm afraid of other things too, and I often let my fears control decisions I make. I'm trying not to do that anymore. As a mother, I'm afraid of many things. I'm even afraid of taking my two children to certain places on my own, for fear of a possible situation arising that I will not be able to handle on my own. For example, I don't want to take them to the Children's Museum without the eyes of a second adult. Why? I'm afraid I will loose one of them. My husband lost track of my youngest son when he took them there by himself. Not for long, just for a couple of minutes and some other parents helped him find him and all was well. He stayed calm and rational. Me on the other hand? When I heard the story tears welled up in my eyes. So, how would I react if I were the one who "lost" my child?

Sometimes I avoid calling people, for fear of what might be said. This is mainly true for some rocky relationships that I have, and I am fearful of what might be said by the other party, and how I may react to it, and what will happen after that. So, better not to call, right? Or, at least better to put it off for a while?

I am afraid of being in certain social situations. I get anxiety when too many people are around, and it sometimes causes me to be over-emotional (imagine that!) and cry. Knowing my reaction, I sometimes avoid certain social situations. I used to be on medication for this a few years ago, but it's not necessary anymore, since it's actually gotten much better. Still, the fear is there.

Right now I'm fearful of how my body is reacting to my current pregnancy. At 21 weeks I've begun to have Braxton-Hicks contractions. Most doctors will say that these aren't "painful" just "uncomfortable" contractions that you have because your baby is growing and it's the normal progression of pregnancy. This is pretty new to me. I had them with Teddy after about 30 weeks and they were not just uncomfortable but downright painful. So painful I had to go into the hospital two times to be evaluated and have them stopped, and then I was put on medication.

Right now, they are more frequent than the ones I had with Teddy, and at least this time, I recognize them and know what they are, and I'm not confusing them for real labor pains. However, my fear is this- will I have another 19 weeks of this? I have to sit down whenever one starts, because it almost takes my breath away.

This is by no means a complaint, because I know how blessed I am to be pregnant and to have been given this gift of life. I also know that the end result in all of my pregnancy woes will be the miracle of a new life- which is incredible, and you receive such a miraculous gift without some suffering.

So, there they are. Some of my fears. And looking at this now, I know that I need to trust in the Lord, and know that His will be done. I need to remember that Jesus is walking with me, and I am never really alone. I need to trust in the Lord and pray that He will help me to make good decisions and be patient with myself, and my children, and my husband. In fact, I pray for this every day.

As I sit here tonight, may God give me strength and help me overcome my fears. Amen