Fearless

What are you afraid of?
I'm afraid of death. That's difficult to admit, because I am a follower of Christ, and I do believe in God and Heaven. At times I often feel that I'm not supposed to be afraid of death. After all, if I REALLY am a believer, shouldn't I be fearless regarding my own death? Shouldn't I be comforted knowing that I will go to a better place? Yet, I am afraid. I'm afraid because that is the ultimate form of being alone. No one can go through death with you. It's a transition you have to complete alone, though, you're not really alone. Jesus is with you. I know that in my heart, yet, I'm still fearful.

I know that is so morbid, but it is something that passes through my mind from time to time, and it's on my mind now.

I'm afraid of other things too, and I often let my fears control decisions I make. I'm trying not to do that anymore. As a mother, I'm afraid of many things. I'm even afraid of taking my two children to certain places on my own, for fear of a possible situation arising that I will not be able to handle on my own. For example, I don't want to take them to the Children's Museum without the eyes of a second adult. Why? I'm afraid I will loose one of them. My husband lost track of my youngest son when he took them there by himself. Not for long, just for a couple of minutes and some other parents helped him find him and all was well. He stayed calm and rational. Me on the other hand? When I heard the story tears welled up in my eyes. So, how would I react if I were the one who "lost" my child?

Sometimes I avoid calling people, for fear of what might be said. This is mainly true for some rocky relationships that I have, and I am fearful of what might be said by the other party, and how I may react to it, and what will happen after that. So, better not to call, right? Or, at least better to put it off for a while?

I am afraid of being in certain social situations. I get anxiety when too many people are around, and it sometimes causes me to be over-emotional (imagine that!) and cry. Knowing my reaction, I sometimes avoid certain social situations. I used to be on medication for this a few years ago, but it's not necessary anymore, since it's actually gotten much better. Still, the fear is there.

Right now I'm fearful of how my body is reacting to my current pregnancy. At 21 weeks I've begun to have Braxton-Hicks contractions. Most doctors will say that these aren't "painful" just "uncomfortable" contractions that you have because your baby is growing and it's the normal progression of pregnancy. This is pretty new to me. I had them with Teddy after about 30 weeks and they were not just uncomfortable but downright painful. So painful I had to go into the hospital two times to be evaluated and have them stopped, and then I was put on medication.

Right now, they are more frequent than the ones I had with Teddy, and at least this time, I recognize them and know what they are, and I'm not confusing them for real labor pains. However, my fear is this- will I have another 19 weeks of this? I have to sit down whenever one starts, because it almost takes my breath away.

This is by no means a complaint, because I know how blessed I am to be pregnant and to have been given this gift of life. I also know that the end result in all of my pregnancy woes will be the miracle of a new life- which is incredible, and you receive such a miraculous gift without some suffering.

So, there they are. Some of my fears. And looking at this now, I know that I need to trust in the Lord, and know that His will be done. I need to remember that Jesus is walking with me, and I am never really alone. I need to trust in the Lord and pray that He will help me to make good decisions and be patient with myself, and my children, and my husband. In fact, I pray for this every day.

As I sit here tonight, may God give me strength and help me overcome my fears. Amen