Changing my Blog

If you follow my blog, or even just read it once in a while, you should know that I have created a new blog, and will be deleting this blog soon. Here's my new one!

http://wherethereislovethereisfaith.weebly.com

Thanks for reading!

Happiness Is...

Today, I am happy because.....

1.) The sun is shining.
2.) My boys are healthy, happy children.
3.) Baby #3 is growing and healthy.
4.) My husband is getting compost for the garden today.
5.) I had time to pray this morning.
6.) My sister arrives tomorrow for the weekend.

Thank you, God, for these blessings and so many others that I did not mention. Amen

Scattered Thoughts

My oldest was up at 6:00am this morning coughing. Whenever that happens I'm always fearful that his coughing will then wake up his little brother, since they share a room. I heard him coughing on the monitor. Though I tried to go back to sleep, I could not, and never can when I know that one of the kids is awake. So, I lay there, praying that he could fall back asleep as I knew that he needed his rest. That didn't happen. He began calling for me and I dashed in there, not wanting his calls to wake up his brother. I have fed him breakfast and he is now back in bed, though I doubt he is sleeping, and I'm pretty sure little brother is now awake too.

I realize that a 6:00am wake-up time is normal for many people, including my husband, but it's not for me, and as a Mom, your job does not stop at 5:00pm, so, I'm trying to prepare for a long day ahead.

In less than 7 weeks, we will welcome our new baby. I'm excited, yet beginning to get scared. Knowing that surgery is lurking always makes me on edge. I have suffered from what may have been postpartum depression (though it was not diagnosed) with the boys, and they say that it can get worse with each child, which gives me another worry. My doctor said that there are things they can do to help me, but I really don't want to have to depend on medication to feel good. I've been on anti-anxiety drugs before, and it can really have an effect on who you are as a person. Finally, there is the ever-present question about whether or not baby #3 will have Duarte Galactosemia- the genetic disorder that Teddy has which made him have to be on soy formula. I know there is no point in worrying about that one- because the worst case is that the new baby will have to be on formula.

The most difficult part for me, as with so many things in my life, is having to let this go, an leave it up to God. I still struggle with that part, though not as much as I used to. I know that He will take care of us, and I have to trust in His will.

In thinking of that, I think of my cousin, who is going through chemo/radiation treatments for cancer. I worry about him, too, and I can't imagine what the treatments are doing to him. Many people in my family have had cancer, and I always ask myself the same question: How do they get through that? How do they wake up every day knowing that they are fighting for their life? (that may be a bit dramatic, but anyone who is going through chemo/radiation is fighting for their life, right?) The answer is, by the Grace of God. One day at a time, sometimes one hour or one minute at a time. And, by trusting in God and His will. So, I continue to pray for my cousin, and for all those with cancer.

3rd Trimester

The 2nd trimester of my pregnancy was pretty smooth. I had a lot of energy, was able to sleep well, and felt a bit like "Super Mom". I knew that the time would come, though, that the energy would fade, my sleep would diminish, and I would be reminded that "Super Mom" does not exist. That time is now.

The point that I'm at right now is a difficult one. I may sound like I'm complaining here, and I'm really not- just being honest and I'm reflecting on what other mothers have felt like. Right now, I'm not feeling like a good mother, or a very good wife for that matter. And, it's frustrating because my body isn't doing what I want it to do, and is no longer capable of functioning the way I want it to. Essentially, my body is not my own right now. Simple tasks like bending over and picking up my children's toys make me short of breath. Getting off of the couch takes time. When I'm trying to sleep, I can't get comfortable because my lower back hurts, and that whole body pillow idea does not work. And by 6:00pm, I'm exhausted and so very greatful that my amazing husband is usually home or at least on his way home. My iron has been low- causing fatigue, and even though I'm taking iron supplements, the fatigue is still there. And, I'm measuring big, which means I probably have a lot of extra fluid- a condition I had with Teddy which was not a real concern, just made me all the more uncomfortable for the last 2 months of my pregnancy.

I struggle to get up in the morning, and I haven't seen my feet in a couple of months. And, when I look in the mirror, I wonder how there is any way that I can get bigger, and I worry about how that will effect my energy. If it's this low now, how will it be then? My mind is a bit frazzled, and I am more forgetful, and even more indecisive than usual.

With all of this in mind, it's very easy to feel sorry for myself, because the sum-total of all of this is that I'm just not myself. I'm really not sure where I went. And, I have to remind myself that all of this is worth it. After all, there is a human being growing inside of me; a miracle a gift. So, when I need to sit down, I'm going to sit down. When I need to sleep, I'm going to try to sleep and forget about the laundry or the dishes in the sink.

Letting Go During Lent

When Lent began, I felt strongly that I wanted to work on focusing on the Lord, and what He wanted from me, and how best I can be the person that he made me to be. I had a strong feeling that through praying, including the Rosary every day (almost), I would be led on a path which would allow me to continue to grow closer to Jesus. Never did I know that I would find the answer in letting go. I hate to be vague, but that is about as specific as I can get right now. I've had to let go of a relationship that was having a negative effect on my faith, giving me very angry, almost hateful thoughts. I have no doubt that all of this came full circle during Lent for a reason, and I have gotten many signs that letting go was the best thing. I feel so much peace now, and I've had conversations with my priests about this, and gone to Reconciliation. And, of course, I prayed and spent a lot of quiet time with God. I am left with one thought that I read in The Little Black Book, which is our Lenten book.

"Lent is when I plunge in and try to experience who I am as a baptized follower of Christ, and to enjoy the exhilaration of clearing away things that come between me and God."

Our Lent

As I begin this post, I can think of about a dozen other things that I would rather write about than Lent. I can think of some complaints to get off my chest, some concerns that I have about people in my life, some hurts that I have been feeling. The truth is, there is always SOMETHING to think about, or should I say, to worry about, or get worked up about. Things that I can't let go of (not letting go of things is one of my crosses) are not what I'm going to focus on today.

It's Ash Wednesday, and I'm excited about that. For the first time in my life, I feel really open to allowing the Holy Spirit to work in me during this time. I also felt that it was important for our whole family to be involved in Lenten activities, as we are preparing for Jesus' resurrection, and reflecting on the sacrifice that He made for us. I want my children to know of this early on, because I want them to be able to look at a Crucifix and know what it's all about. Honestly, I'm still working on figuring out what it's all about. I do feel that I am closer to "getting it" now more than ever- grasping what Jesus went through and why.

So, here are the things that we are doing for Lent, keeping in mind the elements of prayer, fasting, and almsgiving.
1.) I made a Lent calendar for us, indicating all of the Holy Days. Each day of the week has been given a special intention of someone or something that we will pray for that day. Today, the boys will help me decorate this calendar.
2.) As part of fasting, we will abstain from eating meat on the designated days, and we will also, as a family, have "No TV Fridays". This is for ALL of us. Right now the boys (mainly Christian) watch some PBS shows in the morning and will watch a DVD from the library in the afternoon- something like Thomas the Tank Engine or Bob the Builder. For me, it will be difficult to explain that this is not a punishment for him, but a sacrifice that we are making.
3.) Each day, we will contribute to our Rice Bowl with pennies. I will have the boys count something in the house, and they will put that number of pennies in the bowl. For example, counting doors or windows. If there are 13 windows, then we will put 13 pennies in.
4.) 2-3 days a week we will take something out of our pantry and put it in to a box to be donated to our church's food pantry at the end of Lent.
5.) We have a stations of the cross book, and I would like to do the stations of the cross, preferably weekly, probably on Fridays.
6.) We will go to Mass on each of the Holy Days and on Sundays.
7.) I have made a "crown of thorns" out of salt dough. The kids will paint it today and put toothpicks in it. Every time the do a good day, they can pull a toothpick out. By the time Easter comes, the idea is to have all of the toothpicks replaced by flowers.

So, that's where we're at. For me personally, I'm going to say a Rosary each day, in addition to everything else. I will also incorporate more prayer in to my daily routine. My hope is that I will be able to really listen to what God is telling me, His message for me. I am hoping for some direction regarding certain decisions in my life, and I hope to get them, but, as with anything else, all in His time.

Aside from Lent, I am now almost 26 weeks pregnant. This journey has been very special and the Lord has blessed me with feeling well, so I'm enjoying that as much as possible and taking advantage of it to get things done and do a lot with the boys. I can't wait to meet this miracle, but I'm also in no rush, as I know that I will not get this time back.

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Sometimes, going to Mass can be difficult. We regularly go to the 9a.m. Mass on Sundays. Getting everybody ready and out the door is challenging, and I find myself in a bit of a stress-mode. If we don't get there early enough, we end up sitting in the back of the church, which feels miles away from all of the action up front. If we get there too early, it means the kids have to sit for a longer period of time, which is not enjoyable for us or anyone around us. And so it's all about timing. Sometimes we get it right, and sometimes we don't. And while we are there, we spend a lot of time keeping the kids quiet, and lately, helping Christian to participate more in the Mass. So, with all of this in mind, you can see why it would be difficult for Chad and I to be able to listen to the readings and Homily. Today, I was able to hear a bit. Here's what I got: Use the time during this Lenten season to invite God into your decision making.

Wow.

That was pretty much it. Now, for some, that may seem like nothing. Of course I already knew this little piece of information. I invite God into my life all of the time. He is a constant presence. Yet, the message today really struck me. It was like Fr. was saying, "Hey, Nicole! This one's for you!" This was exactly what I have been needing to hear, and didn't know it until I heard it. In reflecting now, it seems that though I do invite God into my life all of the time, it is not very often that I invite him into my decision making process. Sure, I ask Him for guidance. I ask Him for strength. I praise Him and give Him thanks. Yet in the decision-making area, for some reason, I have not invited Him in as much- at least not lately.

I'm in the midst of trying to make a very important decision, as a parent (which decisions that you make as a parent are NOT important?) Though I don't feel that there is a "right" or "wrong" path to choose, there is certainly something stirring inside of me, which is causing me to think and feel things and question things that I never have before. And so God is trying to tell me something; what, I don't know. But I will invite Him in. As I sit here, I already have.

Stop and Smell the Roses

Chad gave me roses for Valentine's Day. Red roses. They are my favorite flower. I guess I'm traditional that way. There is something about their velvety texture and the way the petals layer within each other that make me smile. Each petal is nestled in together- one layer on top of the next. And when they open up, you can see that you have been deceived by the rose, as it is much larger, with many more layers, than you had expected. I love surprises like that.

I placed my dozen red roses in a vase near the front door. My thought was that this would be the best place for all to enjoy them, as we pass by this area many times during the day because the staircase to our second floor is near the front door. Christian decided to place a small amount of water into the already-filled vase the other day, and ever since then, every time he walks by them, he checks them. "Look at the beautiful roses!" he says. "Look how they've grown!" If I'm in the other room, he will come and get me so that I, too can admire these cut roses that have "grown" in a matter of hours, or sometimes minutes. He will then stop and sniff them, placing one rose directly in front of his nose and taking a deep breath, inhaling their fragrance. "Ahhhh.." he says.

It occurred to me today, that, if it were not for him, I would not stop and smell these roses. I would not take the time to stop and admire their beauty. Of course I appreciate them, and when I look at them, they make me smile. But I would not take in the experience of the rose. I would not stop and smell them, touch their delicate petals, and enjoy them if it weren't for Christian. That is what my children do for me. They make me stop and smell the roses.

It is my hope that my son does not ever lose this. This, appreciation for beautiful things, that are so simple, yet so amazing and miraculous in nature. Even when I try to hurry him along through our chores, and bedtime routine, I need to remember that I need to enjoy our time together, even through the mundane tasks of every day life, like brushing his teeth. After all, he is much like those roses. Aren't we all?

Corporal Punishment: To Spank or Not to Spank

Okay, I realize that I'm broaching a touchy subject here: spanking. But I just have to blog about this, and my intention is not to offend anyone. The purpose in me writing about it here is because I wish to share what I have learned, and to talk about my struggles with this type of punishment. I do not pass judgment on any parent who has or has not spanked, because, I do believe it is a personal choice. I can only discuss my choices, good, bad, or otherwise, and how I have learned from them, and what I hope to do differently.

I was spanked as a child, and I feel that I "turned out alright" as is the saying. I don't feel scarred by my experience and I don't judge my parents for their decision to spank. When I had my own children, however, I felt very differently about the matter. In my heart, I knew that this would not be right for our family, yet I could not put my finger on why.
I have spanked my oldest child, but only a handful of times. The first time I did it my heart broke, and I realized that it was more out of my anger than because of something he had done. So, I told myself never to spank out of anger, and I can honestly say that I have not since. In my child's case, every time I have spanked him, it has been counterproductive. More tears shed, more hard feelings on both sides were expressed, and again, I just knew this wasn't right for us.

I'm reading a book called "Parenting with Grace: Catholic Parents Guide to Raising Almost Perfect Kids". It's written by Gregory K. Popcak and Lisa Popcak, and has a preface in it by Father Val Peter, the founder of Boystown. I have to say that after reading it, I feel a bit guilty about some of the choices that I have made as a parent. For example, we have not done co-sleeping with our boys, which is something that the authors are highly in favor of. I have not practiced attachment parenting with my boys, and both are something that I still have mixed feelings about. Throughout the book, spanking is mentioned here and there, and is not looked highly upon, though I wasn't sure why. Today I searched through the book and found an interesting article in the appendix, which is titled, "Ten reasons I can't spank: A Catholic Counselor's Critical Examination of Corporal Punishment", by Greg Popcak, MSW, LCSW. This was an article he wrote for a journal and now appears in this book. Though I will not share with you the specifics of each item listed, because you can read the book, I will create the list of 10 here:
1.) Jesus' own example was discipline, NOT punishment
2.) Scripture does not support spanking
3.) The Universal Church does not model corporal punishment
4.) Spanking flies in the face of good science
5.) Spanking is violence
6.) Spanking as sin or occasion of sin
7.) God's justice is subject to His love
8.) Spanking does not respect the gift of will
9.) Spanking conflicts with the Church's teaching of the "age of reason"
10.) Catholic luminaries in child-rearing oppose spanking

Again, for a more in depth explanation of each, you will have to read the article. Some do require more explanation, while others sort of speak for themselves. What I found to be most interesting was number 9. I did not know that the "age of reason" as defined by the church is the age of 7, and most children who are spanked are under this age of reason. The book states, "A child cannot sin until he can fully grasp the meaning of his actions. In the wisdom of the Church, this requires "full knowledge of an participation in a sinful act.""In other words, why are we punishing our children through corporal punishment, when, in the eyes of the Church, they are not capable of sinning until after this age of reason?

I have had many conversations with parents about where they stand on this issue, and the truth is, I'm still conflicted. This book has many interesting facts about what the research says about spanking, as well as what Pope John Paul II has said about love and corporal punishment. I can honestly say that if my child ran into the street, I'm not sure if I would spank them or not, as this is such a serious matter and my child's safety has to be considered, and I think spanking may be the best way to allow them to realize that this is just something that they cannot do.

However, I will take all of this in and reflect on it, and even re-read it, as I know in my heart that spanking is not for us, and that I must search for more logical consequences. Again, I'm not judging anyone who has spanked or continues to spank, I'm just passing along some meaningful information that I have read and learned from, and will continue to pray about.

Fearless

What are you afraid of?
I'm afraid of death. That's difficult to admit, because I am a follower of Christ, and I do believe in God and Heaven. At times I often feel that I'm not supposed to be afraid of death. After all, if I REALLY am a believer, shouldn't I be fearless regarding my own death? Shouldn't I be comforted knowing that I will go to a better place? Yet, I am afraid. I'm afraid because that is the ultimate form of being alone. No one can go through death with you. It's a transition you have to complete alone, though, you're not really alone. Jesus is with you. I know that in my heart, yet, I'm still fearful.

I know that is so morbid, but it is something that passes through my mind from time to time, and it's on my mind now.

I'm afraid of other things too, and I often let my fears control decisions I make. I'm trying not to do that anymore. As a mother, I'm afraid of many things. I'm even afraid of taking my two children to certain places on my own, for fear of a possible situation arising that I will not be able to handle on my own. For example, I don't want to take them to the Children's Museum without the eyes of a second adult. Why? I'm afraid I will loose one of them. My husband lost track of my youngest son when he took them there by himself. Not for long, just for a couple of minutes and some other parents helped him find him and all was well. He stayed calm and rational. Me on the other hand? When I heard the story tears welled up in my eyes. So, how would I react if I were the one who "lost" my child?

Sometimes I avoid calling people, for fear of what might be said. This is mainly true for some rocky relationships that I have, and I am fearful of what might be said by the other party, and how I may react to it, and what will happen after that. So, better not to call, right? Or, at least better to put it off for a while?

I am afraid of being in certain social situations. I get anxiety when too many people are around, and it sometimes causes me to be over-emotional (imagine that!) and cry. Knowing my reaction, I sometimes avoid certain social situations. I used to be on medication for this a few years ago, but it's not necessary anymore, since it's actually gotten much better. Still, the fear is there.

Right now I'm fearful of how my body is reacting to my current pregnancy. At 21 weeks I've begun to have Braxton-Hicks contractions. Most doctors will say that these aren't "painful" just "uncomfortable" contractions that you have because your baby is growing and it's the normal progression of pregnancy. This is pretty new to me. I had them with Teddy after about 30 weeks and they were not just uncomfortable but downright painful. So painful I had to go into the hospital two times to be evaluated and have them stopped, and then I was put on medication.

Right now, they are more frequent than the ones I had with Teddy, and at least this time, I recognize them and know what they are, and I'm not confusing them for real labor pains. However, my fear is this- will I have another 19 weeks of this? I have to sit down whenever one starts, because it almost takes my breath away.

This is by no means a complaint, because I know how blessed I am to be pregnant and to have been given this gift of life. I also know that the end result in all of my pregnancy woes will be the miracle of a new life- which is incredible, and you receive such a miraculous gift without some suffering.

So, there they are. Some of my fears. And looking at this now, I know that I need to trust in the Lord, and know that His will be done. I need to remember that Jesus is walking with me, and I am never really alone. I need to trust in the Lord and pray that He will help me to make good decisions and be patient with myself, and my children, and my husband. In fact, I pray for this every day.

As I sit here tonight, may God give me strength and help me overcome my fears. Amen

Nightly Ritual

Before I go to bed every night, I check on my boys. I have done this ever since Christian was a baby. I sneak into their rooms and look over them. I make sure their blankets are on them and I kiss them on the cheek. I thank God for bringing them into our lives, and I say goodnight. There have been nights where I don't do it. When I hear them stirring and I don't want to go in and wake them. Or, when I'm sick and just need to drag myself to bed. On the nights when I don't do it, I miss it. It's part of my routine, and I just love watching them sleep. They always look so peaceful and content, and that makes me happy. This ritual is especially important to me after I have had a difficult day with them. When they are trying my patience and I feel like I'm at my wits end. I can see them sleeping and be reminded of how blessed I am to have them, and that even though we struggle sometimes, there is not a moment that goes by that I wish I wasn't their mother.

My ritual has started to include another part, where I then look out the windows of our guest room and stare into the night. I relish in the silence of the night, the quiet of the neighborhood, and I feel at peace. I look at the homes across the street and I wonder what is going on inside. Are they sleeping? Are they perhaps lying awake because of some turmoil in their lives? Are they tossing and turning because of worry? I only ponder these questions about my neighbors because I know that once I lay my head on my pillow, I may not fall asleep right away. I may worry, I may toss and turn, or I may just drift off to sleep. I notice the landscape of the neighborhood and I notice how the seasons have changed in my guest room window view- from fall to winter, and soon to spring. And then I am quickly reminded of how the time is passing by.....

Dear God, thank you for today. Amen.

A New Year

I love the new year. It's such a great time to reflect on life, where I was a year ago, what I was doing, what I was expecting of myself in the coming year, how I could do better as a wife and mother, and how I could grow in my faith. I've spent some time reflecting, but spent more time being thankful for everything that the Lord gave us in 2010. This year, I'm really going to focus more on my job of being a stay at home Mom. How can I do better? One way is to have more patience with my children, and with myself. Something else I've been working on is being more mindful of the fact that my children have their own personalities- they are their own people. Sure there are things in them that I observe where I can say, "That is just like me" or "That is just like Chad", but there are many things about them that are so uniquely different, from myself, Chad, and from each other, that make them individual people. In keeping that in mind, I'm able to have more patience with them.

Something else that I'm working on is being more compassionate, understanding, and helpful. It's very easy for me to roll my eyes and dismiss people when thy say or do something that is completely unfamiliar to me, and that I don't understand. Instead, I'm trying to listen more and put myself in their shoes. What this has done is opened my eyes to not have such a narrow focus on the way I see the world, but the way others see the world, and respect others perspective, even if I don't always understand it or agree with it.

As for my personal faith journey, I really want to take time this year learning about the Incarnation. I first started thinking about this during the Advent season and I hope to study it more and try to understand it more. In doing so, I hope to get to know who Jesus was as a human, and what his life was like. The idea that a part of God was once a human being that walked the earth is miraculous.

With these thoughts in mind, I hope to make this a year of growth in many aspects of my life.